So how exactly is the Beijing police force supposed to tackle those thousands of (potentially criminal) foreigners expected to invade the city for the Beijing Olympics? Easy, teach them English! According to the Insider’s Guide to Beijing, these are genuine excerpts from the police handbook Olympics Security English. Read, enjoy, and don’t say that the guys aren’t trying their best.

Dialogue: Stopping a Stolen Car

Policeman: I’m afraid we can’t let you go until we clear up this matter.

Foreigner: You’re violating my human right. I protest!

Policeman: No tricks! Don’t move!

Foreigner: What lousy luck!

Policeman: We’ve determined that there is no such man as Jiangwei in Qianmen Hotel. The owner of this car is a man from Beijing, who’s just found his car stolen and reported the case to the police.

Foreigner: How absurd! This is not a stolen car!

Policeman: Come along with us to the Administration Division of Aliens for further questioning.

Pattern Drills:

Police: Are you carrying any (dangerous articles / weapons / contraband / illegal drugs) ?

Foreigner: Of course not.

Police: But this (looks like a bomb / looks like an explosive / looks like cocaine / smells like marijuana).

Dialogue: At the Lost and Found Office

Police: Here is your wallet. Please sign your name of the Report on Lost Article.

Foreigner: All right. It’s really incredible! A lost wallet can be recovered. Only in Beijing can this be possible! 

So foreigners, beware! One dirty trick and you’ll end up at the Administration Division of Aliens.