So how exactly is the Beijing police force supposed to tackle those thousands of (potentially criminal) foreigners expected to invade the city for the Beijing Olympics? Easy, teach them English! According to the Insider’s Guide to Beijing, these are genuine excerpts from the police handbook Olympics Security English. Read, enjoy, and don’t say that the guys aren’t trying their best.

Dialogue: Stopping a Stolen Car

Policeman: I’m afraid we can’t let you go until we clear up this matter.

Foreigner: You’re violating my human right. I protest!

Policeman: No tricks! Don’t move!

Foreigner: What lousy luck!

Policeman: We’ve determined that there is no such man as Jiangwei in Qianmen Hotel. The owner of this car is a man from Beijing, who’s just found his car stolen and reported the case to the police.

Foreigner: How absurd! This is not a stolen car!

Policeman: Come along with us to the Administration Division of Aliens for further questioning.

 

Pattern Drills:

Police: Are you carrying any (dangerous articles / weapons / contraband / illegal drugs) ?

Foreigner: Of course not.

Police: But this (looks like a bomb / looks like an explosive / looks like cocaine / smells like marijuana).

 

Dialogue: At the Lost and Found Office

Police: Here is your wallet. Please sign your name of the Report on Lost Article.

Foreigner: All right. It’s really incredible! A lost wallet can be recovered. Only in Beijing can this be possible! 

 

So foreigners, beware! One dirty trick and you’ll end up at the Administration Division of Aliens.

 

 

 

 

The Office Pet is still there. I was getting some tea and I stared at the poor thing for five minutes. It didn’t move.

This explains why I didn’t spot it any of the other zillion times I went in and out of the kitchen - it is just floating around completely motionless, probably bored into its coma-like state.
Mentioned the poor bastard to a colleague who suddenly got a worried look on her face, saying that she too had thought about fixing a nicer place for it. So maybe I’m not alone.

In fact, perhaps the entire office is genuinely concerned about this turtle in a jar on top of the office fridge.

More disturbing is a new breed of office pets, announcing its presence this morning. Stepping out of the elevator the first thing I see is a cockroach the size of a bloody banana. Lying on its back, I’m not sure if it was dead or just having a rest. I swear, this thing was so huge that I’d not be surprised if it would come to my desk, borrow my phone and order some take away.

He’s probably playing Mahjong with the drivers during lunch breaks. 

Had the pleasure of listening to Dr. Jeffrey D. Sachs, considered to be one of the leading economic advisors of his generation, as he gave a short talk on the modest subject "China and the World".

Quite refreshing to hear his thoughts on China’s involvment in Africa, arguing that it’s probably the best thing that happened to Africa in years. Why? Dr Sachs listed three challenges for Africa, where they can learn from China’s experience as a developing country.

Green revolution         

Health revolution

Connectivity revolution

All these three fields are based on public investment. China’s development was based on the same three pillars. They turned the agriculture around, provided healthcare and have spent enormous amount of energy to connect all the regions in China.  But for China, private investment and globalization was the final boost. Perhaps, Sachs argues, can China now provide this investment in Africa.

Dr. Sachs also welcomed China’s involvement in Africa as healthy competition to Europe and the States, who both spent so much time in Africa without really achieving anything. Don’t shoot the messenger, that’s what the man said.

And you gotta listen to a guy who managed to turn a book entitled "The End of Poverty" into a major bestseller.

Reporting in Chinese media reminds me of an eternally optimistic mum, commenting every failure, hardship or disappointment of her children with a cheerful ‘Well! I’m sure it’s all for the best and wasn’t the weather lovely after all?’

Amused myself by comparing the headlines in International Herald Tribune and China Daily after the US-China economic talks. ‘Limited Steps on Opening Chinese’ market vs. ‘Strategic Talks a Complete Success’. Guess which is which? 

The Americans are still frustrated over the slow appreciation of the Yuan, claiming that its value is kept artificially low to stimulate Chinese exports and hinder imports to China from the US and Europe. Then again, the Economist argues in its latest issue that a faster appreciation of the Yuan would do more harm than good to the US economy.

For even if Hollywood could sell their DVDs at full price in China, who would be able to afford them? And who would it hit the hardest if WalMart has to raise their prices as the Yuan goes up?

China apparently backs away from a previous proposal to make it obligatory for bloggers to use their real names.
Instead they will promote a "self discipline code" (sic!) to encourage bloggers to register under their real names.

Can’t wait to read that one…

Sometimes China has an undeserved reputation for bad service.
Sometimes not.

Recently dad went to a bar with a friend and ordered a beer. The waitress showed up with two beers and a small bowl of peanuts. They explained that no, they just wanted one beer, please, watching in surprise as she then took off with not only the second beer, but also the peanuts.

Just when they were about to ask if they please could have the peanuts back, the waitress returned with the tiny bowl and placed it on the table.

Looking at it they realized that she had carefully removed exactly half the amount of peanuts, leaving a total of seven for the two friends to fiest upon.

No freebies for cheapskates, obviously.